The Letter
by Medorikoi
Summary: Yamato could never tell Tai how he felt so he wrote a letter, a letter to hide behind, to protect him from what would come of it. Will Tai save Yama from himself or loose his own life along the way?


Warning: possible unrequited love, possible death, cutting, blood, m/m

Disclaimer: I wish I owned Tai and Yama, but I don't. I only rent them!

Authors Note: A presetent because I have not updated in ages, this idea refused to leave me alone until I did it so here we go....

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The Letter

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I never asked to be what I am or to feel the way I do. Not when what I am makes people that don't even know me hate my very existence, not when a single slip up could cause my fragile life to crash down on me. But I would not give it up for the world because this is what I have been since before I can remember, and my whole world is Tai.

Taichi was my first friend, before him I was a loner with only my music and my responsibilities for company. He took me in and made me his best friend, showed me the first real caring I had even known. Maybe that is why I love him, then again maybe it has nothing to do with how it started because even if he had no idea who I was I would love him. Taichi has one of those personalities you cant help but fall for, people are just attracted to him, and with warm chocolate eyes and the cute blob he passes off as hair who could blame them? Anyway, long story short is that from the very first time I saw Tai I was lost, not that I could ever tell him.

I am the bearer of friendship, ironic as that is, and have nothing to do with courage like Taichi. Oh, I could tell him, but if he rejected me what would I do, when I said he is my world I was not joking, without him I doubt I would last two months. Even worse, completely incomprehensible, what if he is disgusted by me? Hates me for how I feel? Then without a doubt I would die on the spot, a life without love is not life.

For years I watched him, was a friend to him and now I'm risking everything because I have had enough and cannot take it anymore, I have to tell him. If I don't tell Tai now Sora will scoop him up, take him away from me regardless of what I do, better to loose him in a ball of glory then watch him fade away from me. If he rejects me, hates me, then I will die and there will be no more pain, if I watch him drift away from me it will be a cancer on my heart. Every breath will sting, every step will throb, living will be a sheer force of will which I will not long posses. No, I will go down on my own terms.

Tai...No matter how hard I try I know I can never get the words out because of the nightmares. The nightmares in which I tell him everything, the deepest desires of my heart and I can do nothing but watch his eyes grow dark and he turns on me, forsaking our friendship, hating me with every fiber in his being. Instead of facing this I will take the cowards way out but a way out nonetheless. I will write a love letter.

How girly does that sound? Am I really that pathetic? That the only way to voice what I feel is to write it down and shove it into the hands of whom I love instead of telling them to their face? Ha, I guess I am because I already wrote it out and the plans are in place. Kari knows, she was always too perceptive, wise beyond her short years. She will make sure that Taichi does indeed read the letter and if not I will be called immediately.

The letter itself...it is a declaration of undying love, a note speaking of how no matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop loving him. That no matter what he does or how he feels in return I will always love him for what it is worth. How if he feels that he can even stand to see me again to come to my apartment at nine tonight, how he could even bring someone if he wanted. I all but begged him to come if he felt anything for me, even if it was just the last shredded scrap of the friendship I had just killed because like I said before, I will not watch him drift away from me. If he does not show up, if he truly hates me so much that my presence repulses him, because my letter was so desperate that only then would he not show up, then I will end it all.

Tai is kind to everyone he meets, how can I expect him to hate me so much when I am his best friend and have been for years? I guess that is my pessimistic side, my optimistic one however still believes that Tai can love me, that he will arrive on my doorstep at nine and declare his eternal love for me. I tried to kill that thought but it insists on staying alive in the back of my mind, polluting my heart against the pain my mind is sure will come. Logically I can only hope that he still wants to be my friend, after all his sister doesn't hate me for it and no one is more protective of their brother than Kari.

Well, thinking all of that is just great but I still have to give Tai this letter and his neighbors are going to start noticing the weird blonde kid staring dumbly at their door. One last chance to turn back, to run and forget the whole thing. Crap, why did I knock? I'm screwed now! Tai is going to come out and...oh look the door is opening, it is Tai.

"Yama!" Taichi smiled hugely the second he noticed his friend. "I'm SO bored! You have saved me! Kari was making me do my homework!" The brunet complained with his trademark pout in place. As he finished his statement he threw his arms around Yamato in a tight embrace, crushing the slender body to his. "I'm so glad you are here!" He whispered happily as he released Yamato. Without Matt ever getting out a word he was dragged inside and the door was shut behind him.

"Do you want to play on the Play Station or rent movies first?" Tai asked hyperly, his energy renewed with the appearance of Yamato. When he got no response Taichi examined his friend more closely, like he thought something terrible must have happened. "Yama?" This time his voice was soft and gentle, caressing as the hand on his shoulder. "What's wrong?"

"Tai..." Yamatos voice caught in his throat. 'Shit. I knew I wouldn't be able to tell him anything.' This only made Taichi more worried and he drew closer to Matt.

"Its ok Yama..."

"No. I...here." Yamato shoved the letter into Tais hands, the fragile paper crumpling with his brutality. "Promise me you will read this." This time his voice didn't waver although it shook as if he was about to cry even if the tears wouldn't come.

"I promise." Taichi agreed easily, willing to do anything to make the pain in his best friends eyes go away.

"When you're done, do what it says ok? Please" he pleaded now, him mind being overruled by his heart. "Come to me when you are done."

"I promise." Tai said again, his face etched with worry. "Whatever it is I'm sure everything will turn out fine." The brunet smiled, trying to get a rise from his friend. "Play with me, it will make you feel better."

"No, I have to go now, I will be home all day." Tai just nodded dumbfounded and stared at the crumpled letter in his hands. "Bye." Yamato couldn't take it anymore, he grabbed Tai and pulled him into a fierce hug, it felt like he would never see him again. "Tai..." He let himself breath in the scent of Taichis hair, something warm and beautiful smelling, and the feeling of arms holding him affectionately. Maybe there was hope for them yet.

Yamato pulled back from the hug reluctantly, if he didn't go now he never would and Tai would never read that letter. "Bye!" Taichis voice called after him as he ran out the door and down the stairs. Nothing to do now but wait.

Hours passed, it was no longer morning; in fact it was almost nine. It was almost time for Tai to come, if he would come that is. The whole day Yamato sat, unable to do anything but dwell on the hours ahead. Would Taichi come or leave him to die? He would probably come now that he had time to cool down from the initial shock but what would he say? Not that he felt the same way or that they would be together forever but maybe that it was ok? That they could still be friends and Yamato wouldn't know that there were no 'what if's'? Maybe he would come and yell and scream throwing punches that would not hurt nearly as much as the cruel words that would flow from his mouth. Either way where was he?

Kari knew Tai got the letter and would force him to read it, she had promised Yamato after all. Besides if there was one thing Tai is that is a friend, he would never break a promise to his best friend.

BEEP

BEEP

BEEP

Stupid clock, nine o'clock already and still no Tai. He could just be running late but Tai was never one to miss out on something important and this definitely qualified. A million horrible thoughts clouded Yamatos mind. In search of a distraction he turned on the television, the usual morbid scenes that no longer shocked the desensitized human mind appeared. Another car accident, another shooting, and a human interest bit on puppies. Not nearly distracting enough to dispel the thoughts of a raging Taichi. He went to his phone machine and played the messages, nothing new, no call from Kari or Tai that he had somehow missed in his hours staring at the contraption.

Nine thirty and no Tai, he is half an hour late. Should I call him? No, that's not part of the plan; then again neither is dieing, not part of the big plan anyway. Kari does not know that little tidbit; she would not have helped if she had known. But every minute that is looking more and more like what is going to happen. Its stupid but somehow I thought he would come save me, in the perfect fairy tale ending Taichi would step in at the last second and save me. Well that second has not come yet and my heart wont shut up about it.

Yamato sat down again in front of the TV that was playing without anyone to listen.

"This is the fifth person to be struck down in this intersection. The boy was safely on the sidewalk when an on coming car struck him." A woman reporter stood in front of a mass of cops and EMTS, a man in the background was being dragged brutally into one of the squad cars.

"Do we have any information about the victim at this moment?" A monotone male voice with forced interest drifted from the television.

"Yes, it's a young male and he is currently in life threatening condition, doctors report that he will most likely not survive the ordeal, he is currently in the intensive care unit of the Children's hospital..."

'That's cheery' Yamato thought, the morbid news program doing nothing for his mood. 'Where is he? He isn't coming. He is sitting at home right now brooding about how disgusting I am, how he doesn't want to see me again for as long as he lives.' Tears stung at the back of his deep blue eyes. 'He isn't coming. He abandoned me.'

"No..." Yamato whispered to himself as he collapsed further onto the couch. "I take it back, please, I will do anything, just come back to me." The tears flooded down his pale face falling in little silver rivulets over his mouth, sending the taste of salt into his mouth. "Tai please." He begged to the air. Everything hurt, his mind, his body, his heart that throbbed with a pain that was almost more than he could handle.

He clawed at the skin of his inner arms and stomach with sharp nails, preferring the sharp pain to the maddening throb. It helped, but not nearly enough, the pain was growing with every passing second that Tai was not there.

'This is it.' He thought. 'I don't have to do anything, I'm going to die of a broken heart, my body is going to self destruct.' Even as the tears poured down a twisted smile touched his lips. He read a book once where a boy was so in love that when she left him his body all but stopped and he died, broken and soulless, the boys father who loved him dearly then died of a broken heart for the loss of his son the very second the news of the death came to him. Yamato had always liked that, the morbid part of his mind loved all of those twisted tails because they were worse than his own. His own story was going to become that one with only one difference; there would be only one death.

BEEP

BEEP

BEEP

Ten o'clock.

Yamatos entire body revolted and he fell to a spasm of pain. Tai was not going to come no matter how much his heart revolted; Tai did not and never would return his love. He no longer felt the warmth of the tears rolling down his face or his nails biting into sensitive flesh, he needed something else, something to kill the pain once and for all.

He summoned all his strength to slide to the floor and reach out for tabletop. His hand groped spastically for a moment and then he felt it, cold metal against the palm of his hand. It glinted in the soft light of the flickering TV, inviting him to use it, to take away all the pain. One slice, like a thousand others before it on his wrist, another, deeper this time, deeper than Yamato had ever cut himself. Then the other wrist, no playing this time only two deep gashes that cut through veins and arteries with ease.

An amused smile graced Yamatos pale features as he watched the crimson rivulets flow down his arms. 'Beautiful.' The pain in his chest that tore at his very being was disappearing, that harsh tightness gone. He didn't know how long he sat there before darkness started to creep around the sides of his vision, threatening to engulf him completely, he couldn't get up to look at the clock anymore.

Yamato gave up on his vanishing sight and focused on the one thing that had kept him alive so long when otherwise he would have ended it far sooner. Taichi. Tai never came but he could not hate him for it, how could he bring himself to hate the one he loved with so little time left? His heart plunged into a darkness he had never before felt, his optimism that had survived even until now died. A tiny part of his dark heart had thought that his beloved would come the very last second, come as his vision faded and bring back the light, crying and holding him in his arms until everything was good again. That is what he had hoped for all along, his most guarded secret, but Tai was not here and time was running out, there was no sound outside, no footsteps or frantic cries from his onetime leader, he would be too late if he came now anyway. Now it no longer mattered, because even if Taichi cant stand him Yamato will love him. Maybe, he mused, that once he died he could watch over Tai, make sure that he is happy and safe until the day he dies and they could be together again.

"Tai." Yamato addressed the ceiling above him as his head fell back to rest on the couch. "I love you and I will be waiting for you no matter what." His voice shook with fatigue as his body started to fail him. That was the first time he had ever said the words aloud, and it was the last because no more breaths came, and his broken heart ceased to beat.

"YAMATO! Pick up the phone!" Karis voice echoed in the little room, it was frantic and pained. "You have to come now! Its Tai, he was on his way to see you and- Oh God!" She started sobbing hysterically to the empty room. "He was hit by a car, the doctors...Oh God Yamato you have to come now." Another broken cry. "They say he wont make it through the night..." BEEP The machine timed her off and the television flicked to a picture of two boys with their arms wrapped about each other's shoulders, the camera zoomed in on the smiling face of the brunet, the blond still visible next to him.

"This is a photo of Taichi Yagami, he was hit at eight forty five tonight and has just been declared dead. He was the fifth person struck at this intersection in the past month. Family members say he was on his way to see his boyfriend when he was struck, authorities are now searching for this boy." The picture on the screen zoomed back out to show both boys smiling faces again. "Yamato Ishida, the victims boyfriend who was suppose to have been notified with the family and is suspected to be suicidal..."

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Liked it? Hated it? Wanted them to live? Wanted a more descriptive death? Review! I have SEVERAL ideas currently that wont leave me alone, so if I get a good reaction I will continue with them, possibly longer, possibly cheerier. Thank you and goodnight! (Please review! I'll love you forever and so will they!)


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